Notice - Our sources indicate that George Carlin never wrote this article, however it is still
amusing so we will leave it up and remove the credit to him.
I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some
midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants
to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.
I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne,
Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang.
I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer.
I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason.
I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.
I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do
it in English.
I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for
unpopular opinions or actions.
I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.
I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment
than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the
bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven't
begun to be enlightened.
I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God.
Hillary Clinton is a carpet-munching lesbian.
My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr.
Quinn, Medicine Woman.
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.
I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.
I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now,
when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?
I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years
in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any
witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so
I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse
Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he
always part of the problem and not the solution.
I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're
running from them.
I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are
breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.
I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't
want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation
in the world for the next four years.
I hate those bastards standing in the intersections trying to sell
me crap or trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause.
These people should be targets.
I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license
should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you
promise to never delay the rest of us again.
I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.
I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes
I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please
don't pretend they are a political statement.
I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.
I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately
the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.
I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is
sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of
the United States.
If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.
If you too are a BAD American please forward this to everyone you
know. We need our country back!
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